In which our heroine keeps her cool - just

It would be helpful, if bank staff could actually tell people that if they don't collect their cash card within a certain time they will destroy it. This may be particularly pertinent over the Christmas period, when gosh! shock! people may actually go away for a few days.

Or, how it went:

23 December c 6pm

Goes to cash machine to get out money. Machine eats card.

24 December before 12 noon (note this is Christmas Eve)

Go to collect card with little slip from machine.

Card not available as machine doesn't get emptied until end of working day - I'd fallen between two days.

Cashier informs me card will be available on Wed (Dec 29).

.....

Go to Spain after Christmas and return to Gib in New Year

.....

6 January

Feeling organised with all holiday stuff out of the way so trot off to bank once more.

Cashier takes some considerable time going to retrieve card but comes back and tells me it has been destroyed.

'The ATM Officer destroys them after five working days if they haven't been collected or there isn't a note to save them. It was captured on the 24th (23rd from my point of view) so it was destroyed on the 4th,' she said most unhelpfully.

Hello! How many working days is that? 29th, 30th, probably half a day on 31st - and destroyed on the next working day - the 4th???????

And what was the point in arguing? None whatsoever. Would achieve Jack Shit Nada apart from pissing off the cashier. Never mind that I was pissed off.

Could I have some money? Of course.

She couldn't find the account. Groan.

Eventually she found it, and I was despatched to the self-service telephone to order a new card.

This is where it all turned surreal.

Back in August/September when everything was stolen we obviously had to order new bank cards. Sadly I had a slight problem back then because my mother's maiden name was not her maiden name, so to speak, ie the one I had given the bank had been registered as something totally different. Nor was it my memorable word. Let me give you an example in case this is not clear. Imagine my mother's maiden name was Smith, and the memorable word is holiday. It was down on the bank forms as Saga. Huh? Where did that come from? I hope the computer operator who keyed in my details really enjoyed fucking things up for me.

Needless to state back then, I failed the security check and was treated as A Very Suspicious Character. I finally managed to extract some forms from the UK office to correct all my details and took them into the bank four months ago. Note: FOUR months ago.

Well, lo and fucking behold. When I rang up today? Guess what?

'Mother's maiden name, please.'

'Actually, it's my memorable word - holiday.'

'Er no.'

'OK (I didn't remember including my mother's maiden name on the change of details form, but anyway) my mother's maiden name is Smith.'

Long pause. Intake of breath at other end and ...'No.'

'Oh don't tell me it's Saga,' I almost screamed in disbelief.

Yes,' said the operator, obviously wondering why my mother had two maiden names and why I was sounding wound up about it.

I bored the operator with the story. I think she was laughing. She agreed to send out a new card.

I'm beginning to think I will stick with Saga.